No one really talks about it, but if you’ve ever led an organization, a team, or a transformation, you’ve probably felt it.
The loneliness.
Not the kind that comes from a lack of people around you, but the kind that comes from carrying a weight others don’t see. The decisions you can’t fully explain. The values you won’t compromise on, even when they cost you. The responsibility you feel when your decisions affect other people.
It can be part of leadership. But it doesn’t have to define your leadership.
Leadership can change relationships
There’s a natural shift that can occur when you move into leadership. You’re no longer simply a member of the team. You’re now responsible for setting direction, making decisions, navigating conflict, evaluating performance, and stepping in when things go wrong.
I experienced that shift firsthand.
For years, I worked as part of a geographically dispersed team. Only three of us lived in the same town, so we began meeting for lunch once a quarter simply to build our relationship. I looked forward to those lunches—relaxed conversation, shared stories, and genuine connection.
Then I became their manager.
The atmosphere changed. Conversation became more guarded. They were still friendly, but suddenly I found myself carrying much more of the conversation. No matter how much I tried to interact as I always had, it wasn’t quite the same.
I hadn’t intentionally changed the relationship. My role had changed it.
That’s when I began to understand that leadership can create distance—not necessarily because anyone has done something wrong, but because responsibility and relationships have changed.
Leaders still need people who will tell them the truth
The hardest part isn’t always the distance. Sometimes it’s the silence.
Leaders still need people with whom they can test an idea, work through a difficult decision, or hear an honest perspective.
But that can become harder as responsibility increases. People may naturally hesitate to disagree with the person who evaluates their performance or makes decisions that affect them. Even leaders who genuinely welcome disagreement may have to work intentionally to create enough trust for others to offer it.
That makes honest counsel especially valuable.
Build an inner circle
John Maxwell has encouraged leaders to develop a personal “board of directors”—a small circle of trusted people who can provide perspective, challenge their thinking, and offer encouragement.
I think there is tremendous wisdom in that.
These are people you’ve intentionally invited to speak into your leadership. They don’t need to be impressed by your title, and they aren’t dependent on you for approval. They need enough knowledge of you to understand your values and enough independence to tell you when they think you’re wrong.
You don’t need a crowd.
You need a circle you can trust.
Leadership may sometimes feel lonely, but isolation shouldn’t be the price of leadership.
Find people who will encourage you when you need encouragement, challenge you when you need correction, and help you see what you cannot see from where you’re standing.
Then give them permission to tell you the truth.